Thoughts Currently Present.

Even though this is my blog open to the world, I hope it helps whoever is reading it.

Why do I worry? Anxiety claimed my life once, I had anxiety trouble, and it required counseling. Amongst other things I had to talk out with a counselor,it became more controlled. And I don't know why we worry so much, when we have a big God.

-Wanting to take control?
-Wanting our way?
-Lack of trust?
-Lack of control?
-Pain?
-Something goes wrong?
-Lack of faith in God.

Worry can tear lives apart. It tears apart relationships, self-confidence, faith and belief in God, trust in others, thought patterns, appetite, sleep, breath. It causes one to turn internally. This is from experience.

Earlier, I was with a significant other, noticing my worrying was making me too quiet, and causes me to doubt myself. This can make me lose someone. God really means it when He wants us to give something up.

I am struggling with wanting my own way, control instead of God's. I think my lack of devotion time is adding to it.

[I am a person that has to have it. Otherwise, I fall a little within a day. When I try to take control].

You know those songs that are so convicting? Yeah, have those right now.

And God, He is loving. Every time we fall, every time we grow away, every time we repeat a mistake or run or hide [which, hiding to me from God, is quite hard] or don't want to face conviction, He runs towards us with open arms and hugs us and calls us His sons or daughters, as if nothing ever happened.

Someone wrote me once: "You worship like no one is watching. You love like you have never been hurt."

I hope that stays in my heart forever. I love God beyond the skies, and I am deep and cannot tell how deep. I am God's masterpiece.

[God, restore me to my innermost being.]

While I've experienced downgrading as a bad thing, I realize that who God made me at the core, is the best for everything. <3 Nothing else will do.

So, pray for me friends, that I give up my wants, way, control, worry, and grow up. And most of all, my lack of faith, lack of belief and trust, in God and people, even myself.

[THAT I LOVE MYSELF].

[BECAUSE FRIENDS, THE MEDIA LIES. WHO YOU ARE, IS A MASTERPIECE OF GOD. HIS IMAGE. CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT. PRAISE GOD. WORRY SUCKS].

Core

Sometimes I write in italics. Though I'm not the best writer, I know it is a hidden talent of mine. Something that is so vital I'm burning in my heart about. Who you are.

Remember my talk about compromise? Well, sometimes we're tempted to downgrade and trade for who we are for something ultimately terrible-who we aren't. This is vital.

Who am I? Passionately crazy about Jesus. He burns in my soul, in my heart, He makes my heart beat, He gives me life, I feel like when you're on a mountaintop all the time in my heart. Whenever I wander from who I am, I come back to who I am. I am passionate. Sometimes there is so much in my heart I don't know what to do with all of it.

The career that I am starting, I can't wait to do it all the time, I'm just getting my feet wet.

God has a specific plan and purpose for us, creates us the way we're supposed to be, exactly. He makes me want to run hard and long miles after Him. I've been compared to Kind David.

Poor.
Oppressed.
Captive.
Screwed Up.
Human Trafficked.
Suicidal.
Domestic Abuse.
Sick and Injured.

God, how can I do all of this? Oh, You remind me, "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.

Just because you have passion and interests, unsure how it will all work out, doesn't mean doubt kills that joy in the moment because God has the future planned out, before it came to be [Psalm 139].

SO God, please help me LIVE MY LIFE TO ITS FULLEST in You and not in sin. Rahab and lower the scarlet cord, Esther and come before You unannounced, Deborah and lead the men in the right direction for the victory. Miriam and trust you. David and dance Jesus.

Let go. Let God.

Something I've Realized.

As a new EMT on a Fire Department in a new town I'm living in, I was wondering how to be a Christian example without appearing judgmental. A friend, I figured. Which is how it's supposed to be. A relationship with God and others (love God love people). So I decided to not appear too "Jesus-y" and say this or that, and cause judgment. This was a tricky step to actually downgrading my faith, hiding, but not being ashamed. Compromise, ceasing in reading His thoughts, talking to Him, and deal with my problems my own way.

Sometimes I honestly get tired of the same thing all the time, the same things said to me, and the same way frequently. Tired of judgment and condemnation and legalism. Tired of having "friends" that are only there when they need me for something. Sometimes I enjoy dealing with things on my own with God, because He knows it all. Nothing wrong with that right?

Ever feel like you're too small or outgrown something? Need to move on? Yep as do I.

Ever feel like you're afraid to admit because you know whatever it is, is right?

Control is a major inherited issue with me. Chaos is caused without Jesus being my attention. Chaos, stress, impatience, denial, deception, sin, lust, self-hurt, hurt, boredom, inability, loss of focus, loss of enthusiasm, interest and wonder, not wanting to get out of bed, being hurtful, and some things people say to me actually do hurt.

Jesus, take me back. Grow me, and I want to be better than I need or see to be. Jesus take me back.

"Take You Back" Jeremy Camp.

It isn't good to downgrade your faith. Be in or out. Set apart. Wouldn't I rather, be an example, lead someone to Christ, than try to fit in? Hmmmm....think about it.

Wonderful thing about God, is if you've wandered or grown away from Him, He's usually closer than you think. Can always start over. What hope.

Jesus, take me back.

Psalm 51.