Humility

Wow. It has been a while since I have posted. It has been quite a journey trying to find who I am. I will continue to make mistakes and cultivate regrets, but sometimes making them helps me figure out who I am. Doesn't mean I want to make mistakes. Life would be easier wouldn't it? Not have to worry about wrongs and hurts. Well last time I talked about truth and the new meaning of my blog. It's easy to try and figure things out on your own, hold onto things, not tell something to someone which is in fact same as dishonesty, by omission. I guess I can't really put the gory details of what I've been through on the internet, you would have to personally know me for that. But I totally lost myself. I became an agnostic (have regained my faith in Christ), did racy things that I usually never would, became a terrible person and hurt others and myself. And the scary part is I thought I was okay. I was completely blind who was in my life influencing me negatively. They tore me down, totally turned a 180 and ended up hurting and biting me in the end.I lack motivation for school, I'm basically unemployed, and living with my humility of my mistakes and regrets. I fear, how am I officially done with this? How do I know I won't return to this road and it continuing to destroy my life? What if, what if, what if. I learned a long time ago that living in "what if" -Ville is probably the worst way to live. It is similar to the book "Who Moved My Cheese"? Or a quote someone dear to me said, "Would you rather want the ability to read minds or read a book"? Well, let's face it, reading minds would be cool right? Less pressure, knowing everything of yourself and the person next to you? It is almost like we wouldn't have to talk anymore, and never lie? Never keep things inside to deal with ourselves instead of letting it go? Or would we really want to? I mean honestly, there are probably things we don't want others knowing in our thought patterns or know what someone might be thinking of us incase it's terrible. I would rather read a book. Be confident in who I am, it doesn't matter what people think of me even after my mistakes...It doesn't matter. So you made mistakes! Well what are you going to do? Is what I tell myself. How I will ever benefit from living in the same and regret from them forever is beyond me...humility is good because it is a way to let me know I've done wrong, but can do my part and move on, learn from it because what you do after is what counts. And sometimes, that isn't enough and you just have to move on..We're human, we'll always do something. Pretty much of my time I am worried about something. I deal with anxiety on a daily basis..Usually people I know wouldn't be able to tell. It is just something I am coming to terms with to deal with in a healthy way, healthy people, actions, thoughts, daily tasks or activities. It is apart of me coming to terms with who I am. I am this tall, thin, size 2 woman, have to wear belts with all my pants, and wearing tighter shirts to show what little figure I have. But that's all okay. I am totally fine how I am, there is nothing wrong with me. I can lift patients 200+ lbs. on a cot into an Ambulance! I mean there is more to me than meets the eye..I even tried a new hairstyle I have never worn before, and still getting used to I'll admit, but life is too short to keep doing the same thing all the time. Life is too short! Life is too short! Give yourself a break Natalie! Be easy, give yourself another chance! "Don't let your past fuck up your future." It's true! And someone said that who is dear to me..Breathe..And once I realized that, I really started getting my motivation back and self-respect. Once I realized what needed to be changed, who needed to be weeded out, I started thinking better of myself. I want what is best for me and nothing less. I can't stand who I was. And it hurts to do hindsight and realize who I started becoming two years ago. Everyday is a new day, and something else I have to work on and daily fighting old habits and thoughts. I went to church today, and the Pastor talked about how Jesus sent us to serve. Me? Really? This person who feels like a heathen half the time? Sure enough, was I sent to help, or to attend that church service, or write this blog by accident? He knows exactly what He is doing..and that comforts me that I am not this total lost sheep (Christian reference regarding a believer) in this thing called life..that He's had me this whole time. That He let me fall in my faith, only to start realizing who I really was. And that makes sense? Don't try to make sense of Him..sometimes it won't work. He can't be figured out completely logically. So it comforts me in a way that He is right there, always was and is bringing me out of the terrible storm. And you know what--I feel stronger than ever. I recently was pondering enlistment in the United States NAVY. And I'm in the middle of my Associate's Degree for Paramedics. And lately I've been just noticing how much the ASVAB was freezing me in my tracks, and that it isn't the right time, great experience don't get me wrong, but in four years I'll be in the same place I am now. My focus is realigning and I. Feel. Awesome. And have reconnected with someone who I definitely want in my life. I was with him, left him, came back, and I think I had to go through what I did to realize how I felt about him. Life is funny, isn't it? Life is too short, so what is it you need to change? To cut out? To weed out? What in YOU needs changed? Do you have a bucket list? I suggest making one....and listening to Wakelight..maybe I should pursue photography, I have always wanted a degree out of it..one step at a time.."This is your life, are you who you wanna be"? --Switchfoot..

Veritas

Veritas means "truth". It is so easy to believe and look at deception as if it wasn't even there. Even leaving parts out of a story is deception. Lately I have joined a fire department, got a full time job, attend school, advanced another level in my field, and so on and so forth. Great accomplishments right? I can easily sit here and say, "I'm good, here is all I do." Or people praise you and tell someone the "good stuff". They seem happy for you. But you think to yourself, "oh, how easily you do not know about what is really going on." Do we settle for this? Are we afraid of the truth, to look and examine ourselves, point it out to others gracefully? Sure, we're human and we will and do mess up whether we like it or not. But this new person, this woman, who has become negative, and hard to get along with, argumentative, stubborn and maybe more judgmental? No. Not who I really am. So many things influence us. Especially people. Have met people who have brought me down, rubbed off on me characteristics that are not me, and I have taken part in things I usually wouldn't. After a while you loose sight. Can't really see and tell, since we ourselves are the ones involved. Since we claim we're decent, we ignore any advice and truth that comes our way; truth that is on track, on base, correct and supported. Even have drifted away from my faith. But do I want to settle? I am so longing for people to see the real me. To meet new people, have new friends, be a positive influence, loving towards others when it comes to faith. To work hard in every area. Be helpful without being reluctant. Not to groan and complain, be selfish or comparing, or to look for satisfaction in the wrong places. I feel like I cannot even fully describe what has been going on except that life gives you lessons and tests, learning them is hard. I am excited to regain and be myself! Also to start blogging again. All I know is that life is better to be positive, forgiving, and a friend to anyone. Enjoy my life, I have one! All that stuff I typed in previous paragraphs is just not who I am! I can't even desire to be that way anymore! I am an adult and have to make good decisions, learn how to be dependable, trustworthy, reliable, not all for me, for others. For God. Because honestly, I care about others more.

The blossom during the storm..

Today was a pretty boring day. Again at the fire department, and towards the end of our shift, the tone drops. Today I had driven the ambulance with lights and sirens, completely calm. Teamwork was evident. It is like a flower bloomed or His touch and encouragement is showing me I can do Public Safety. His belief is blooming. I am starting to believe in myself. I am so happy. I have sought out advice and prayers, and it shows that God is testing, preparing, and believing I can do this. Right now in my life I am seeking what He wants me to do. I have had rough spots in this career already and causes me to doubt. But I am deciding to press on. Right now in this moment, I cannot love God enough. Usually I have trouble with caring what people think. With how small I am, and how insecure I am. Feeling ugly due to my acne. Wish my hair was longer. Had muscles, volume, and that clothes actually fit me. Maybe society wants to be this small. Trust me, it is difficult. Be glad with who you are! I have to understand that God has made me the way I am, yet it is something He wants me to overcome. I have had to overcome a lot so far in this life and career. Sometimes I do not understand, or wish I would stop having tough things and have it easy for a while. But honestly, that is how I grow closer to God, is overcoming. Plus, I remember, that He spoke to me, "My will for you is to overcome." So I believe that is everything. For He overcame the world. Along with this night, I was watching a sermon online, and people had stories about things having cancer and losing adopted children back to their troubled birth families, anger issues, and addictions. It was about how we can be obsessed with something other than Jesus. Fill in the blank for yourself. I have to say I can be obsessed. But right now I feel like I've been obsessed with myself. and I hate being this way. I'd rather care for others and not think a thing of myself because I know I have Jesus and I'll be okay. I want to give my all for Him and everything I do is for Him, so I ought to give Him my all. It is so much more SATISFYING to THINK about OTHERS and OBSESS NOT IF NOT ABOUT GOD! Sure, I've been called crazy and absolutely insane or obsessed about God. But then I am thankful I know Him. <3. You confused about what happens when you sin? I've been told you only need to ask God ONCE to forgive you. And He forgets it. His grace is so large, that it is like an ocean. We are engulfed in this ocean and somehow we can still breathe. Some say a river of love, I say an OCEAN of love. There is no problem God can't handle. His peace is even bigger. His love everlasting, His faith can become strong if you're not afraid of challenge! Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to believe in themselves. Life is hard but when we overcome it is rewarding. Jesus has a plan and has it all under control. Just now I was thinking about how I have backslided and started doing things I have been freed from, and I remembered that verse that says if we return, there is no sacrifice to cover those sins. Then the song on the online sermon came on as "Jesus Paid it All." My heart I feel is calloused and insensitive, bitter and rude. It is because of sins. I'm hard on myself, and getting spiritually attacked. God I am asking you to change my heart to love and kindness. I want to be the new self you made me. "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.

Insecurity?

Why have it? I don't understand why it is so paralyzing. I hate it! It is interfering with my career, and I look pretty pathetic considering my big faith in God. First of all, I'm tired of being sorry. If I do something wrong, I usually notice it right away and will apologize. Otherwise, you'll have to tell me. I don't need men to make me secure or I don't need dependence on others to be secure. Yes, it is true that if "you look better,you feel better." Somehow looking your best gives you confidence. It has to start out with fear and comparing. If I don't believe in myself, how will I be a Public Safety Personnel? God has made me better than this. I have to be who God made me to be, in order to be confident. I will no longer be hindered by my sins or my past. Want to know my story and why I believe in God? Ask away! I can choose to be happy, do pure things, have positive attitudes and outlooks, believe people when they say the love me. Don't throw my pearls before swine. God has forgiven me, forgotten my sins, called me His own, loves me unconditionally, saved me by grace and love has finished the war. I am loved by Him. I can live in freedom. IT is God. Therefore I have all the confidence in the world. Bring it on God. "Therefore do not throw away your confidence."

J-O-Y!!!

JESUS IS GOOD!

I have been in dire need for a job for so long!
I applied to a company, that a family member referenced me to, that I have been thinking about for a long time, and they called me today for an interview!

God has been supplying and providing right when it is needed!
It is amazing how God works, just when we've had enough or can't go anymore, He does His thing and we are renewed.

He blesses us with breath and life when we wake, and our life living it with Him, and eternal glory with Him when the time comes. There are ups and downs, hardship and times of rest, captivity and FREEDOM and God never ceases to be Him, and set us up on top, out of the muck and mire, on solid ground, and we breathe in, and breathe out, and we feel free.

God forgives sins. He doesn't even keep a record. He forgives and forgets. He uses us in any way we're found in. He has a plan, and nothing stops Him. He can see the beginning, and present, and end at the same time. That's why He can be positive. Because He sees the outcome, only when we see the present sometimes.

Times like these I know I can trust Jesus. I know He will be there when I need it. I know He will come to my aid, no matter what I've done.

Even if I neglect study time [which I shouldn't] I still get to know God and know that He is with me, by relying on Him throughout the day.

Jesus, help me live by what I say.

I pray for joy Jesus, and constant living in FREEDOM.

Romans 8:28.

Anxiety

Sometimes I wonder if I need medicine for it. It is a horrible feeling. It is life altering.
It is life robbing. I have experience with it for many years. It puts my big God in a tiny box.
Sure there are things that comfort us, whether it'd be people, materials, familiar activities.
Then there are things that rile it up, sin, trauma, school, being late, all the above. Tiny, big, every day, every night, all day, all night. Cuts off appetite, lose sleep. Lose those we care about. Lose God's peace.

For me, it also cuts off my breathing. Yes, it is involuntary I know. But there are times where I am not even breathing. Someone said that is a sign of sleep apnea. I think it is because of plain worry.

So that makes me wonder. When we go to sleep anxious, does our body really rest? Is it expressed in dreams? Is everything really resting as it should be? Even if we go to bed at a decent hour?

Is it unstoppable?

Did God ever intend that emotion for good? Besides the good anxiety? Like, anxious to see our Lord?

Why is that Jesus is so clear about anxiety and worry, that His people are so troubled with it? Chemical? Life events? History, experience? Future? I'd like to study the body and chemical reaction it takes with anxiety. I believe it also is a source to my occasional heart burn.

Something just happened as I was typing this: laughter.

And I feel better. WHAT A WONDER LORD!

Jesus, create more laughter space in me. Halt the anxiety in every way. Shield me from its clutches, drive the enemy with Your bow and arrow and all my anxious triggers I create myself. Flood peace in me, forgive me of sin, wash me clean in the bay. Create in me a new heart, O God, renew a right Spirit within me. Psalm 151.

Guilt

Though I hope to study this more, guilt is a tricky and clinging and lasting thing. Shame is even worse. But does God want that for us? It makes Him sad when we sin. But He knew sacrificing Jesus was the only way to create a relationship with Him again. Nothing comes easily. Fill this empty space. Nothing is like it seems. Turn my grief to grace. I just want to feel your embrace. I love you.

When I am really sorry for things, I feel bad about it. But I forget that God loves me. Why should anything stop me from grace?

God's love is massive. We have to be brave enough to face conviction, truth, feelings, and renewal.

Jesus, just hug me. I confess to You my sins. For now I will walk knowing I am forgiven.

Jesus I'd rather be a light and encouragement than what the world wants .

Remember, sometimes guilt can be a sign we are out of God's will.