The blossom during the storm..

Today was a pretty boring day. Again at the fire department, and towards the end of our shift, the tone drops. Today I had driven the ambulance with lights and sirens, completely calm. Teamwork was evident. It is like a flower bloomed or His touch and encouragement is showing me I can do Public Safety. His belief is blooming. I am starting to believe in myself. I am so happy. I have sought out advice and prayers, and it shows that God is testing, preparing, and believing I can do this. Right now in my life I am seeking what He wants me to do. I have had rough spots in this career already and causes me to doubt. But I am deciding to press on. Right now in this moment, I cannot love God enough. Usually I have trouble with caring what people think. With how small I am, and how insecure I am. Feeling ugly due to my acne. Wish my hair was longer. Had muscles, volume, and that clothes actually fit me. Maybe society wants to be this small. Trust me, it is difficult. Be glad with who you are! I have to understand that God has made me the way I am, yet it is something He wants me to overcome. I have had to overcome a lot so far in this life and career. Sometimes I do not understand, or wish I would stop having tough things and have it easy for a while. But honestly, that is how I grow closer to God, is overcoming. Plus, I remember, that He spoke to me, "My will for you is to overcome." So I believe that is everything. For He overcame the world. Along with this night, I was watching a sermon online, and people had stories about things having cancer and losing adopted children back to their troubled birth families, anger issues, and addictions. It was about how we can be obsessed with something other than Jesus. Fill in the blank for yourself. I have to say I can be obsessed. But right now I feel like I've been obsessed with myself. and I hate being this way. I'd rather care for others and not think a thing of myself because I know I have Jesus and I'll be okay. I want to give my all for Him and everything I do is for Him, so I ought to give Him my all. It is so much more SATISFYING to THINK about OTHERS and OBSESS NOT IF NOT ABOUT GOD! Sure, I've been called crazy and absolutely insane or obsessed about God. But then I am thankful I know Him. <3. You confused about what happens when you sin? I've been told you only need to ask God ONCE to forgive you. And He forgets it. His grace is so large, that it is like an ocean. We are engulfed in this ocean and somehow we can still breathe. Some say a river of love, I say an OCEAN of love. There is no problem God can't handle. His peace is even bigger. His love everlasting, His faith can become strong if you're not afraid of challenge! Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to believe in themselves. Life is hard but when we overcome it is rewarding. Jesus has a plan and has it all under control. Just now I was thinking about how I have backslided and started doing things I have been freed from, and I remembered that verse that says if we return, there is no sacrifice to cover those sins. Then the song on the online sermon came on as "Jesus Paid it All." My heart I feel is calloused and insensitive, bitter and rude. It is because of sins. I'm hard on myself, and getting spiritually attacked. God I am asking you to change my heart to love and kindness. I want to be the new self you made me. "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.

Insecurity?

Why have it? I don't understand why it is so paralyzing. I hate it! It is interfering with my career, and I look pretty pathetic considering my big faith in God. First of all, I'm tired of being sorry. If I do something wrong, I usually notice it right away and will apologize. Otherwise, you'll have to tell me. I don't need men to make me secure or I don't need dependence on others to be secure. Yes, it is true that if "you look better,you feel better." Somehow looking your best gives you confidence. It has to start out with fear and comparing. If I don't believe in myself, how will I be a Public Safety Personnel? God has made me better than this. I have to be who God made me to be, in order to be confident. I will no longer be hindered by my sins or my past. Want to know my story and why I believe in God? Ask away! I can choose to be happy, do pure things, have positive attitudes and outlooks, believe people when they say the love me. Don't throw my pearls before swine. God has forgiven me, forgotten my sins, called me His own, loves me unconditionally, saved me by grace and love has finished the war. I am loved by Him. I can live in freedom. IT is God. Therefore I have all the confidence in the world. Bring it on God. "Therefore do not throw away your confidence."

J-O-Y!!!

JESUS IS GOOD!

I have been in dire need for a job for so long!
I applied to a company, that a family member referenced me to, that I have been thinking about for a long time, and they called me today for an interview!

God has been supplying and providing right when it is needed!
It is amazing how God works, just when we've had enough or can't go anymore, He does His thing and we are renewed.

He blesses us with breath and life when we wake, and our life living it with Him, and eternal glory with Him when the time comes. There are ups and downs, hardship and times of rest, captivity and FREEDOM and God never ceases to be Him, and set us up on top, out of the muck and mire, on solid ground, and we breathe in, and breathe out, and we feel free.

God forgives sins. He doesn't even keep a record. He forgives and forgets. He uses us in any way we're found in. He has a plan, and nothing stops Him. He can see the beginning, and present, and end at the same time. That's why He can be positive. Because He sees the outcome, only when we see the present sometimes.

Times like these I know I can trust Jesus. I know He will be there when I need it. I know He will come to my aid, no matter what I've done.

Even if I neglect study time [which I shouldn't] I still get to know God and know that He is with me, by relying on Him throughout the day.

Jesus, help me live by what I say.

I pray for joy Jesus, and constant living in FREEDOM.

Romans 8:28.

Anxiety

Sometimes I wonder if I need medicine for it. It is a horrible feeling. It is life altering.
It is life robbing. I have experience with it for many years. It puts my big God in a tiny box.
Sure there are things that comfort us, whether it'd be people, materials, familiar activities.
Then there are things that rile it up, sin, trauma, school, being late, all the above. Tiny, big, every day, every night, all day, all night. Cuts off appetite, lose sleep. Lose those we care about. Lose God's peace.

For me, it also cuts off my breathing. Yes, it is involuntary I know. But there are times where I am not even breathing. Someone said that is a sign of sleep apnea. I think it is because of plain worry.

So that makes me wonder. When we go to sleep anxious, does our body really rest? Is it expressed in dreams? Is everything really resting as it should be? Even if we go to bed at a decent hour?

Is it unstoppable?

Did God ever intend that emotion for good? Besides the good anxiety? Like, anxious to see our Lord?

Why is that Jesus is so clear about anxiety and worry, that His people are so troubled with it? Chemical? Life events? History, experience? Future? I'd like to study the body and chemical reaction it takes with anxiety. I believe it also is a source to my occasional heart burn.

Something just happened as I was typing this: laughter.

And I feel better. WHAT A WONDER LORD!

Jesus, create more laughter space in me. Halt the anxiety in every way. Shield me from its clutches, drive the enemy with Your bow and arrow and all my anxious triggers I create myself. Flood peace in me, forgive me of sin, wash me clean in the bay. Create in me a new heart, O God, renew a right Spirit within me. Psalm 151.

Guilt

Though I hope to study this more, guilt is a tricky and clinging and lasting thing. Shame is even worse. But does God want that for us? It makes Him sad when we sin. But He knew sacrificing Jesus was the only way to create a relationship with Him again. Nothing comes easily. Fill this empty space. Nothing is like it seems. Turn my grief to grace. I just want to feel your embrace. I love you.

When I am really sorry for things, I feel bad about it. But I forget that God loves me. Why should anything stop me from grace?

God's love is massive. We have to be brave enough to face conviction, truth, feelings, and renewal.

Jesus, just hug me. I confess to You my sins. For now I will walk knowing I am forgiven.

Jesus I'd rather be a light and encouragement than what the world wants .

Remember, sometimes guilt can be a sign we are out of God's will.