Humility

Wow. It has been a while since I have posted. It has been quite a journey trying to find who I am. I will continue to make mistakes and cultivate regrets, but sometimes making them helps me figure out who I am. Doesn't mean I want to make mistakes. Life would be easier wouldn't it? Not have to worry about wrongs and hurts. Well last time I talked about truth and the new meaning of my blog. It's easy to try and figure things out on your own, hold onto things, not tell something to someone which is in fact same as dishonesty, by omission. I guess I can't really put the gory details of what I've been through on the internet, you would have to personally know me for that. But I totally lost myself. I became an agnostic (have regained my faith in Christ), did racy things that I usually never would, became a terrible person and hurt others and myself. And the scary part is I thought I was okay. I was completely blind who was in my life influencing me negatively. They tore me down, totally turned a 180 and ended up hurting and biting me in the end.I lack motivation for school, I'm basically unemployed, and living with my humility of my mistakes and regrets. I fear, how am I officially done with this? How do I know I won't return to this road and it continuing to destroy my life? What if, what if, what if. I learned a long time ago that living in "what if" -Ville is probably the worst way to live. It is similar to the book "Who Moved My Cheese"? Or a quote someone dear to me said, "Would you rather want the ability to read minds or read a book"? Well, let's face it, reading minds would be cool right? Less pressure, knowing everything of yourself and the person next to you? It is almost like we wouldn't have to talk anymore, and never lie? Never keep things inside to deal with ourselves instead of letting it go? Or would we really want to? I mean honestly, there are probably things we don't want others knowing in our thought patterns or know what someone might be thinking of us incase it's terrible. I would rather read a book. Be confident in who I am, it doesn't matter what people think of me even after my mistakes...It doesn't matter. So you made mistakes! Well what are you going to do? Is what I tell myself. How I will ever benefit from living in the same and regret from them forever is beyond me...humility is good because it is a way to let me know I've done wrong, but can do my part and move on, learn from it because what you do after is what counts. And sometimes, that isn't enough and you just have to move on..We're human, we'll always do something. Pretty much of my time I am worried about something. I deal with anxiety on a daily basis..Usually people I know wouldn't be able to tell. It is just something I am coming to terms with to deal with in a healthy way, healthy people, actions, thoughts, daily tasks or activities. It is apart of me coming to terms with who I am. I am this tall, thin, size 2 woman, have to wear belts with all my pants, and wearing tighter shirts to show what little figure I have. But that's all okay. I am totally fine how I am, there is nothing wrong with me. I can lift patients 200+ lbs. on a cot into an Ambulance! I mean there is more to me than meets the eye..I even tried a new hairstyle I have never worn before, and still getting used to I'll admit, but life is too short to keep doing the same thing all the time. Life is too short! Life is too short! Give yourself a break Natalie! Be easy, give yourself another chance! "Don't let your past fuck up your future." It's true! And someone said that who is dear to me..Breathe..And once I realized that, I really started getting my motivation back and self-respect. Once I realized what needed to be changed, who needed to be weeded out, I started thinking better of myself. I want what is best for me and nothing less. I can't stand who I was. And it hurts to do hindsight and realize who I started becoming two years ago. Everyday is a new day, and something else I have to work on and daily fighting old habits and thoughts. I went to church today, and the Pastor talked about how Jesus sent us to serve. Me? Really? This person who feels like a heathen half the time? Sure enough, was I sent to help, or to attend that church service, or write this blog by accident? He knows exactly what He is doing..and that comforts me that I am not this total lost sheep (Christian reference regarding a believer) in this thing called life..that He's had me this whole time. That He let me fall in my faith, only to start realizing who I really was. And that makes sense? Don't try to make sense of Him..sometimes it won't work. He can't be figured out completely logically. So it comforts me in a way that He is right there, always was and is bringing me out of the terrible storm. And you know what--I feel stronger than ever. I recently was pondering enlistment in the United States NAVY. And I'm in the middle of my Associate's Degree for Paramedics. And lately I've been just noticing how much the ASVAB was freezing me in my tracks, and that it isn't the right time, great experience don't get me wrong, but in four years I'll be in the same place I am now. My focus is realigning and I. Feel. Awesome. And have reconnected with someone who I definitely want in my life. I was with him, left him, came back, and I think I had to go through what I did to realize how I felt about him. Life is funny, isn't it? Life is too short, so what is it you need to change? To cut out? To weed out? What in YOU needs changed? Do you have a bucket list? I suggest making one....and listening to Wakelight..maybe I should pursue photography, I have always wanted a degree out of it..one step at a time.."This is your life, are you who you wanna be"? --Switchfoot..